Horsepower & Heels

Okay, this is about as RANDOM as random gets on my blog posts….

I wasn’t sure I really wanted to blog about what’s been going on in my life lately, but something told me that it was important for me to share. I really wasn’t expecting the outpouring of support that I’ve received since then, and for that I am humble and very grateful.

I’ve been struggling lately with the mental side of this all…. having spent the last 10 years of my life chasing my dream of professional drag racing with all that I have inside me. I made decisions to put off having a family, settling down, thinking that if I could just reach my dream that those things could wait. But after 10 years of passion and though I am normally a positive person who believes that my time will come, I am now wondering if my dream has come in the way of my reality. Although I am proud of what I’ve accomplished racing, I still haven’t landed my big “Break”, and I am wondering if this chase for a dream has cost me my chance at a normal family life? Will I ever reach my dream or will I regret the fight for what it cost me?

But after posting that on Wednesday, I realized what an important part of my life racing has been to me…. not for the sport or the speed, but for the PEOPLE. I have had the chance to meet so many wonderful people, and made so many great friends through drag racing. Seeing the outpouring of support and the many emails I’ve received from friends, and people whom I only *met* online through drag racing has really meant so much to me. Drag Racers are a huge family, and they are there when you need them most.

Its especially humbling to know how many of you have also dealt with someone who has gone through this experience. I know every case is different, but knowing how many others have dealt with this same issue makes me not feel so “weird” and so much like damaged goods.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and am very happy with her determination to not take any unnecessary drastic measures. She seems dedicated to trying to save my ability to bear children if at all possible, and for that I am grateful. She did take 2 biopsies yesterday, so now we are awaiting the results. I hate the waiting game, but for now, other than some soreness, everything is okay.

Thank you all for your words of support. I cannot begin to say how much it means to me.

I got one of the scariest phone calls of my life last week. It was from my doctor, who found some cancerous cells in my recent test results. Unfortunately, the nurse that called wasn’t able to tell me over the phone what was wrong, but her grave urgency to get me into the doctor left me absolutely panicked. My co-worker had to drive me to the doctors office, where he finally told me what was wrong.

I typically don’t talk about my personal life and health matters on here, but I think I am going to open up this time about what has been going on and what life-altering decisions will have to be made in the coming days. If for nothing else, it is helping me to talk about it now…. my friends who had no idea are being really supportive right now, and that is much needed.

Cervical Cancer is what I have been diagnosed with. I’ve always tried to stay up on my tests to prevent that occurring with me, and they have removed 3 trouble spots over the last few years. Genetics playing such a big role, I am very scared right now about what the specialist will say at my appointment tomorrow.

What I will find out tomorrow is life-shaking. Because I have already had 3 other incidents of trouble spots removed, it is coming to the point that they can no longer remove the cells without permanently damaging my cervix, and leaving me unable to carry a child. Further, with my persistent history and genetic predisposition, they might recommend a more drastic approach to ensure it does not develop and spread.

The doctor looked at me as he was giving me the last test results and asked me “Was my family complete?” Of course not, I have not even begun. Its something I always thought I’d eventually get to experience, after I chased my dream of racing, and then could settle down and have a family. Now, I may not get that chance. I am beyond crushed.

Please keep me in your prayers.